Self Portrait
by Kara Papas
Summary: Short stories or chapters from the perspective of Shizuru Fujino[Viola].
1. My Friend

**A/N: **So this is a random idea I've had for AWHILE...now I have the steam to produce it. This will be a short bunch of essays...or ramblings from Shizuru Fujino..and MAYBE Viola. I do not know what I have planned for this.

A/N 2: I just realize this had tons of errors in it. I can understand why no one reviewed...but I wrote this one for me because I am Shizuru after all. -jumps onto Kiyohime and stalks Natsuki-

Disclaimer: Shizuru Fujino belong to sunrise...and perhap natsuki, too.

**Self Portrait**

_By Kara Papas_

I was trapped by you. Trapped within a gaze I could not describe and yet you remained. So I fell from my fixed hatred when I was within your presence. I am always feeling you, if not directly because you would not have it that way. I catch gentle strands of your midnight tresses that frame and touch your face the way I want to.

I see you always. I see you. They say love is blind. What does that mean? Does it mean love itself is blind? Love cannot see what it seeks. If that is true then finding love would be impossible. I do believe in blinding love and I'm sure you don't know. You can't know what you do to me.

How I am destroyed by you because your childish ways never seem to let you see me the way I wish. Perhaps it is because I know, your focus is not on the world or me, so I act almost the way I wish. However not the _way_ want to be near you. How I want that so badly. How you destroy me with your sudden arrival in my chair at that desk.

Did you know I would cross oceans for you? Did you know I would raise hell for you? Did you know if it pleased you, I would die for you? There is a darker side of this, my insatiable lust. I was at first trapped by your beauty and fantastic innocence. The innocence that was more innocent than a young child's trapped in the body of a fiery woman to be. Yes, the love was simple as it would be simple while butterflies dancing in my stomach would start when you drew near. So I got masks to hide myself from your perspective eyes because at times you see through me, but not this. Love is something I'm certain and sadden that you do not know. I want you to know, but it is wrong, yes?

Yes, it is wrong for me to desire you; to want you. Cycles of reincarnation will prove that no matter how many lives we live I will always love you. I will also desire you. I wanted to say it before but hesitated for I know there are others in the world who don't accept such behavior from a girl to another girl. The fact of women consorting is vile and disgusting and should not be done. The words are strong and burn against my ears after the stinging pain in my heart urged me not to listen. BUT I CANNOT LISTEN TO IT! I refuse my heart will not let me give up and nor do I want to. My love for you is strong enough to convince you that you could love me too. I f I could only tell you how I feel for you. Never…Never….but if anything were to happen. No it won't happen I won't let it happen.

The disgust rolled off my mother face that day as the words followed so simply from my mouth. Her face contorted into a hideous snarl and mouth opened and close in a barking fashion. Her eyes showed much hate and fear than I had ever seen before in my life as those words flew from her to me. They flew like daggers and lashes from whip taking pieces of me at a time. She never once struck me, but she would not see me as I stood there before her. She could not hear me as I valiantly attempted to explain the virtues of what this love could be. It was no different from anything else. And her words she spoke they kept taking more and more of me away. I became vacant and distant.

So upon my return to this cage of a school you appeared to me from the forest where you choose to hide that dangerous contraption you drive to school. You saw me before I saw you. You saw the side of me I had never wanted you to see. You saw the side that desired you, but I was wounded severely from the words of my beloved mother. You ran to me to and gently shook my shoulder as I would not respond to the name you had been calling for it had not reached my ears. My eyes were solemn and pained as I slowly craned my head up as my eyes lazily focused where ever they were directed. Upon my scanning of my surrounding my eyes met yours; my precious beautiful gems of emerald sparkling for me and only for me. Why were you there? You had no words as a slow smile crept on to my face. You never had the ability to console with words. I was not certain if you ever did, but tonight you proved me wrong. You did not console with words, but with your body against mine. What a wondrous feeling to have you arms snake around me holding me so tight. This isn't a dream, its real. Just as how my feelings for you are real.


	2. Endearment

A/N: Oooo holidays and a little "somethign make writing so good. Enjoy the long awaited second chapter of SP. All of this is in Shizuru's POV because I relate so much to Shizuru. Afterall us Sagittariuses got to stick together.

Disclaimer: For this I shall admit one thing only I do not own Maihime/otome because Sunrise does.

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Self Portrait _By Kara papas_

Endearment

Why is it that with time optimism fades? In my solitude when the world cannot see the fear of everything crashes on me and I welcome it. I so willfully would do anything for my most precious one as I am crossed to even be apart from her. The times will not tell how far we must go to stay within each others hearts. I am a cold calculating woman at time, but it is necessary to create my reputation of sorts. I must appear suave and ever so graceful. No one but she has seen the feats I am truly capable of in each and every lifetime we have share for I know there must be more than this. There has to be more than this. My bond to her most oblivious nature compels me so.

It was not to long ago when we had youth in our hands and with what fortune did we have when we strove to become something more. I came from nothing, but a hard working family that was buried deep in frustrations of gaining a superior image of social class. My mother's goal was to rise from the lowest position in our society to become a noble member. I was content as a child from what I can recall. My mother went as far as to place me into a school for Otome. I had just barely gotten in and struggled as a coral, but I could never really fall with such help from my onee-sama. I could never quite understand her feelings towards me until the day she became a meister and went off to her very own country.

Yes, her feelings, she showed them to me on many levels. She was ever the flirt and such a dangerous tease and probably the only person ever bring to a full blush. However I did not feel that way about her. I did not understand how much she wanted someone to see her as she was; for who she was. I became a pearl and grew into arrogance as the number one student. I became very famous among my peers and the corals. So I instantly disregarded anyone who'd approach as merely a fan girl. I even disregarded her. I had never seen her, but in my heart she had always been there. Those sleepy eyes when deep in thought and the dark tresses she pinned to one side and let hang loose on the other. I found her perplexing when I finally encountered her.

-Flashback-

Here I am standing my place of solitude and nothing can bother me. I know hardly anyone dares to come to this side of Garderobe but me and Ann-Lu. I cannot image being without my precious one-sama anymore and this year has been so tough.

"THAT STUPID ORANGE HAIRED FREAK!" A loud almost boyish voice said invading my space which was then shortly followed by a gasp when I turned around somewhat shock that anyone would dare disrupt such tranquility. I forgot to shield myself my eyes are unguarded and she can seen me. The girl with emerald colored eyes and porcelain skin.

"Ara, I did not know anyone could be so rude here at Garderobe and as I recall corals should be having class right now." I said as gracefully as I could including a teasing edge. The girl mouth moved from an open and closed position many times before she started making sounds which even then weren't into the form of words. "I see you must be one of those annoying fangirls then." I said in my defiant mood turning away from the girl. I was so angry by her approach because it did remind me of many of those self proclaimed fangirls. I heard feet and a grunt and I turned around to accost the girl one more time when a hand contacted my face.

"Snobby bitch." The raven haired girl said in her deep voice before walking away.

-End Flashback-

My first encounter with my love did not go well and I was to full of myself to see her as what I would today. Our youth and status so blinded us from what took until my last week as a pearl to figure out. Although the time she used to open my eyes was my second encounter which broke my resolve to be so cold around her.

I was in the music hall of Garderobe as I have often loved the skill I learned thanks to Garderobe. Music became a way to transmute my emotion that were so hidden into something tangible. I kept playing the piano one day until I heard the door creaking open and shutting. I had assumed someone peeked in and then left. I was terribly wrong. As I finished when I heard light applauds.

-Flashback-

"I'm sorry for bugging you again." The raven haired girl was there again and I could only glare at her with the fresh memory of her slapping me the month before. This girl was put here to make my life miserable. I had her as my room attendant as well. However she seemed compelled to say something but was instantly insulted by my glare. "You know I was just about to compliment you. But I don't know if I want to now. You are some god damn snobby bitch, do you know that!?"

"And you my dear must really be in denial because I do think you are a fangirl." I smugly said in defense. The girl sneered at me and then sighed.

"You know…I was going to say this. Such music like this only can say something about the depth of your soul. You are misunderstood and looking for someone to see you as who you are, but when you act like this to me. When you do this!" The girl was almost distraught but she continued and the ice around my heart began to melt fast. "You can't possibly know what I am thinking…your music is so beautiful like you are, but when you play it I now have to wonder do you even know who you are? Because when I heard this…I could see you as you are beautiful and alone." The raven haired girl ran out.

-End Flashback-

From that moment on our relationship would never be the same as I fell into a deep love with her; my Natsuki Kruger.

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Reviews are not needed, but you know if you have soemthign to say...then say it:) I don't bite. 


	3. Letter

A/N: Well I thought it was time I returned to my smaller non-important fictions. Here is a short piece to the self portrait series. This is Shizuru from my story Without. I thought it would be nice to have a letter written by her expressing her mentality. I think some of if not all of us have been there before.

Self Portrait by kara papas

Detached Letter

So it's Tuesday and it is about to be Wednesday, and I wanted to write you this long message. Whether is ever gets sent or not I do not know. I am alive at the moment. Obviously I would have to be to write this. Although I could see a zombie me writing this because I think a dead me would function so much better. Sorry I probably made you feel bad right then. What I meant was I have such a hard time slowing things down in my mind that in the quiet I'd get some stuff done for once.

I do not like giving up. I don't. So, I don't know where I am going with this non-going-to-you message. It's better than handwriting it. How does your heart feel? That question is so crushing. I really find it so crushing. Because I do not speak to my heart. Not since you, and I could hear it, and feel it again. Oh, there really are such wonders when one can communicate honestly with one's heart. So where can I begin? Everything I write can be so easily simplified which is a horrible problem I have. So let me side track for a moment or so. I do that so wonderfully, anyhow…uh…yes to my left is a door with a window-like frame. The glass of the window is showing me a reflection but the image is not whole. The image is distorted and pulling apart. There are two versions of me inside this reflection. The reflection is very terrifying because I swear it is real.

The first image shows a very transparent face frame by my long brunette hair. However the image has no eyes. They are not there at all. I can't say what this means. Perhaps it my soul showing through and it can't fit in me any longer but it has no choice in the matter. Why? Because the eyes are the doorway into one's soul. They really are. The make the physical body and the spiritual body one. I don't really know. I'm just making things up so I can have something to keep you to me. I know I am not there, but these are my words uninterrupted just for you. I write them in messages, stories, hints, and fables. Anything to get you to stay with me because all of it is me. I place bits of my soul in everything. And with you my heart stays. I hope. I never want it back.

The second image, yes, I will go on to the other image now. The other image has the eyes. The eyes seem hateful in the reflection as if they are being forced to stay; staying in such a disgusting vessel as my body. I wonder from time to time if this image, the second on, is truly me. I cannot imagine what my life must have been like for someone as grand and beautiful as you to love me. That was a strong word, I'm sorry. I will try and make myself not use such words. They mean nothing anyways. All lies, right? You are the champion of these facts. "I hate all humans." Right? Yes, I do as well. All but….no…I must proceed with something anything.

The air is harder for me to find in the mornings. I breathe and breathe but I cannot feel the life entering my body. My eyes open to whatever time my body feels fit to do. And when I do I can hear the rise and fall of my chest as the sheets and covers around me brush against my skin which always awakes to feverish feel. It's tough. I feel as something has died in me. I feel it. And I know that is it more than just that, but never to know anything more.

My tactile senses have become so much more sensitive than before. The textures of everything, I must analyze with such detail letting my finger tips brush anything with the lightest of touch. Like they are constantly searching for something that I know I cannot find but the yearning keeps me going. The desire burning in my heart, no in that void, keeps me going.

Keep going, push on, and move on, the phrases of quitters revised. I shall stay. I will not let go. I can never let go. And I do not know if you shall ever read this.

So I have to get back to this insane notion you'll get this. My favorite lie right now is in believing that. I feel I am compelled to tell you everything to just have you here. I just need to have you here such an insane notion. The concept of the moth to flame comes to mind. The draw is so strong, the intensity so maddening, the richness of movement so tempting. The beauty is frightfully real. And the one word I dare not say is so present upon these lips. Hidden hints and messages just for you. I am a coward, yes. I shall push away and one day run the distance I made for myself; the distance that makes me worthy of you.


	4. An Agony

A/N: Hello all, here is another personal private chapter in the Self Portrait Series. This one is based off the fly chance that Natsuki really had a massive consider for her friend only. That everything after the last episode was a lie. Liek her confessing her feeling to Shizuru after graduation. It hit me earlier today.

As for IM chapter 4 I will get to it!

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Self Portrait by Kara Papas

An Agony _letters from Shizuru Fujino_

I keep on thinking everyday silently in my heart it is a lie. You must have known I'd react this way. You wanted me to hurt so badly. You wanted that pain to flow so freely. You'd think that I'd get over it so easily. How cruel can Natsuki really be I wonder? How could you ever lie about something so deep? So wonderful and magical?

I screamed "liar" as you left me alone. You never once turned around as I could only see your dark tresses fly behind you. I wanted to run after you and hold onto you. I wanted it so much. I wanted it so much that I bit through the flesh of my bottom lip. I did care I was bleeding. You just stopped in that distance saying something that raised my spirits at first.

"I did lie to you Shizuru." You said in the dark husky tone, but there was something in your voice I could hear. You didn't turn around to say the last thing, the last thing that would make me wonder forever. Forever isn't just a word you once said to me. And now this was happening. The moment that seemed like forever. The moment that you walked away from me weeding my heart and soul out as you made the distance greater. The blood began to seep from my mouth as your mouth parted that last time.

"I never loved you. I never did. I just couldn't handle you going crazy again. I have never loved you. Goodbye." Then I never saw your face again. I never saw you again. Not from that moment on. I died. It was so painful I could not breathe.

So I am now lost and each mask is more unrealistic than the last. I was to turn to another love. One I had not ventured upon thinking about for a long time for I had done what just did to her. She had always loved me so deeply even though she made a fool of me by all her harem of lovers. I too thought it would be wise to lose myself to such a life. I cannot quite understand those words. "That life" what does that mean exactly?

It's been months since that day and I can't recall feeling so dark and desperate. I had the week after taken someone to bed. I had taken them and release all my anguish into every last kiss and buckling movement of my hips. I did not know how to feel and I did realize my body reacted so without you. That it could feel without feeling. My someone had gone and promise to see me again which they did. However I never told them of how I felt after we lay together on that bed. I had taken a shower soon after they left. No matter how many times I scrubbed my skin I could not remove them from me.

It was a sweet agony I wished for. I sought it out with every fiber of my being for so long. Now I am not so in the need for this agony. Although I wish, my sweet and most dear Natsuki, to see you just once, but perhaps it was not a lie. You do love me, my Natsuki, but you could no long bare something about me. My nature was unbecoming. I secretly know if I were to see you, smell you, and touch you, I'd die soon after.

I do wish the world did not turn so violently as it does now.


	5. Haunted Love

A/N: The season is messing with my head so I decided to write something for that. I hope you enjoy and have some tissue. This will make you cry.

Self Portrait - Haunted Love

by kara papas

The craze and reality wash over me as I only am now so removed from everything that I want so desperately to crash back in. Yes, I would risk everything again, my sanity, just for a touch.

My name is Shizuru Fujino; I am 24 years old and graduated from college when I was 20. I sped through my higher education life in hopes that my focus would make me better. The life I cannot live haunts me to this day. It haunts me forever in the shallow depths of my mind and heart. I doubt I have soul to haunt for that was the essence I sacrificed to love whom I did and how I love them still.

I will always remember her last kiss. The day she confessed her true feelings and the last day she'd ever be in my arms again.

-Flashback-

I could not have denied the timing of my graduation and the freedom I had gained after the Obsidian Lord's fall. He had amplified my desires and aspirations of chasing after my love. Although I really don't know if the Obsidian Lord truly controlled all my evils in those days of the HiME battles. A knock resounded from the new door of the dorm I had been moved to when the old one had been destroyed because of my Kiyohime's haste to catch Natsuki. I wonder if Natsukicould ever forgive me.

"OI!!! Shizuru! Open your door before I die and sparkle into green nothingness!" said a rough husky female voice. My face flushed in anticipation at my wonder of thoughts and who was now banging at my door. I scampered to the door as fast as I could dropping the clothes I had on my lap.

The door didn't take much for me to open and a truly genuine smile was across my face. She had come to see me before I left forever before anything could really be different. Before me stood Natsuki Kuga, the girl who killed me with a kiss and killed herself by the whim of her heart. My face flushed as I watched Natsuki's eyes go over my body. I had forgotten I had yet to put pants on today since I was so busy with my laundry. I was standing in front of Natsuki in only my t-shirt and panties, but I maintained a cool attitude.

"Um, Shizuru…" Natsuki face boiled a deep red, "you should step back inside." I grinned and grabbed the middle of her shirt and pulled her in as I backed up.

"Ara, so Natsuki came here to seduce me then?" I teased and Natsuki's eyes maintained a locked focus every where else but me. I giggled and went back to my laundry. It was sad that I only desired her to seduce me. Oh, I would love to have Natsuki want me the way I _wanted_ her every second, but I had to control my desires.

"I'll wait for you to get dressed. I want to take you somewhere." Natsuki said sitting down on the ground right then and there. I looked at her and looked to the pill of clothes. What was more important to me clothes or Natsuki? Gah! Only an idiot would choose clothes over Natsuki. So I grabbed a pair of jeans which seemed to amaze Natsuki intensely. The smile on her face just burn into my body it made my heart race. "I picked those out for you, remember."

I paused in my thought path and remember that she had. I really remember when I finally slipped into them. The knees had holes in them and the snug fit, fit to every last curve of my body but never rode me in the wrong fashion. "Mmm, Natsuki knows my body better than I do."

Natsuki's face went red again and she kept her eyes on mine this time. "Shizuru, you shouldn't tease me like that or I won't take you to that place I want to go to."

"Would Natsuki at least tell if I've been there before?" I said as I redid my hair so I could put a biking helmet on.

"Yeah, you've been there plenty of times, but it looks a tad different since you were there last." Natsuki voice became quiet and I knew where we were headed; the site of her mother's death. She must want to say something to me very important. And I know that she…no I didn't know. This Natsuki was a somewhat braver than the one who died with me.

The ride there was short and I was sensing so much dread in that moment as we both walked to the police tape which read "CAUTION". Natsuki's new biking suit definitely didn't leave anything to imagine. And my heart cringed in such shameful guilt as I enjoyed being able to hold on to her body so close and have her body against mine. The desires just swelled that much deeper. I was a victim to my unrequited love or lust; I want it to be love.

"Shizuru…" Natsuki said with her face very hard and void of emotion. "I don't know how I've come to this decision about you and me. We'vebeen friends for what seems forever and only you knew my deeper emotions. You were my guardian all along. You kept the other number of orphans down when I thought I was alone. You had always been there. And…I accused you of taking advantage of me. Perhaps you did, but it wasn't you. I can forgive you for only so much though."

Her words started to hit me like daggers. What point was she coming to? I had my very own mask on. My calm kaichou mask that angered Natsuki since that last fight. "_Don't hide from me ever again!"_ Her other unheard words from the chapel ruins. What now though? What now?

"Natsuki, just say what you have to." I said kindly. Natsuki gaze changed to one I recognized but I couldn't believe. I wasn't about to die again, was I? Had I gone mad and was trying to kill the others? Her softened gaze made my knee so weak that I could hardly support myself. Of course cars were passing us by as we stood in this off shoulder of the busy road way; the sound a gravel crunching fast behind us.

"I love you." Natsuki whispered, but I strained to hear her. A car was coming towards us, but we both ignored it. Perhaps the individual was just pulling over to look at the view; it was a breath taking view. However Natsuki face became washed with fear as her body lurched forward at me with incredible speed. I turned to see a crazed man pointing a gun at me.

"YOU DIE!!! DEMON!!!!"

And all I heard was the gun go off and Natsuki crashed into me with all her body and an extra jolt of force punched against her. I knew what had happened as my eyes were still on the man who seemed that much more insane than before. He was ranting as we fell against the ground and the gun went off again and another thud could be heard. I rolled Natsukiover in a frantic rush. Blood was seeping from her suit. She had been shot. She was shot. She was bleeding. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to save her.

"I love you….Shizuru." Natsuki's voice gurgled. "I should have seen through…" she coughed hard and blood seeped from her mouth.

"No, don't say anything any longer! Natsuki…my Natsuki…no. I love you. I've always loved you. From the first moment I saw you. I loved you. You are my soul mate. I cannot live without you." I was hysterical.

"You can…you will. Because I love you…you will live for me…" Her voice was hoarse at her last word and I smiled for her because I knew too soon she'd lose her sight, then she wouldn't feel anything anymore and her last body function to go would be her hearing. So I cradled her in my arms, and I kissed her lips for the second time while they still held warmth. She used what strength she had and returned to the kiss in a passionate manner and she killed me again as her body fell limp in my arms.

"I love you, Natsuki." The words came out and a smile crossed her face even though her eyes had shut. She was gone. And by then other people had pull to the side of the road to witness Natsuki's last moments. A woman cried behind me, she cried for me. They all did, but I would not.

-End flashback-

It haunts me, the life I should have had. My beautiful life with my soul mate, my lover. She would have been my lover. I am half dead and have lived as such since her last breath halted that moment.

I walked to the door dressed in a biking suit and pulled out a familiar helmet; Natsuki's helmet. I live because of her.


	6. Endearing Imagination

A/N: Quick idea. I know this is the one place people expect me to update. No one reads this line of stories so...no big. Another delightful AU insight into Shizuru's mind.

Self Portrait by kara papas

Endearing Imagination

I had felt the surge of emotion rush into my body as my eyes furiously hungered over the words of this bold Leo. The girl had captured me with that nonchalant glance of hers, and now I was a victim to her writings she openly placed for the world to read. The way the thoughts read was almost like a fervent beckoning taunting me. Our relationship was odd. We called it a friendship and I know that you could easily sense my desires. The silence was so peacefully tense that any sound my my skin dance. My arousal at the crisp turning of a page in that book you gingerly thumbed through.

So innocent in appearance and yet you had a pitch fork at my back the entire time. The wicked ways I could see myself falling back for you. I perched myself against the balcony's edge wondering how I let the years make us so separate. How we had grown so different. The way I looked at you and thought of you; my delight at a new mature different Natsuki. I so wanted to be the one's you trapped in your stories and that fierier imagination.

"Ara, this story is so lovely Natsuki. If I had read this back in high school I'm sure I would have asked you if you stole it from some poor unsuspecting book worm." I playfully said in the room that we both sat in. We both soaked in delicious silence again as we glanced at each other.

"Mou, Shizuru, that's so mean. I try to, capture something people forget about. Life is a short ride, you and I know that. I want desire to be placed into what I write." Natsuki said leaning forward to grab the paper from my hand as her other hand gently landed on my thigh. Natsuki still was so absent minded to her affects on me. "I'm convinced my writing has no affect on those who read it."

I took my moment to quote something she had written so she could hear it for herself; the desire spoken aloud from a person who had so much desire to hide. "The stillness parted as I realized I could no longer hold myself back. The need was what I wanted to express as my finger tips traced the contours of their body. Their silk skin and that cream color that taunted me into wanting to taste their skin…"

Her face was so red. I could not believe the swiftness of the motions as her papers scattered and I found a heat surging inside me; the way her hands touched my body. The dull ache I could not describe as her soft lips met mine. It was only until my crimson eyes went wide as I realized my imagination had gone so far.


	7. Losing Reality

A/N - It's short and sweet...very emo. I had a really close friend who was in a relationship that ended very suddenly after the prospect of engagement. My friend is very shattered,and I can understand. that pain to a certain degree. So this is my emotional out pouring for my precious friend.

Self Portrait

Losing Reality

There are moments my heart would burst into a joy that no one else could possibly understand. No my love was just for me alone. The intensity and passion was something the both of us had together forever. These are such things that are so haunting to me. As I run my fingers across the center of my chest where my heart belonged; the heart you destroyed. The beauty of your emerald eyes will never come my way again, and I dwell every once and awhile. The time has been only so long. Though the moment so clearly marked it's proof on me, for everyone to see. My gaze is not wide eyed. My path is uncertain. I struggle for focus even now just like then.

Flashback -

"Natsuki, why aren't you coming back to my place anymore? I thought we talked about this. Your lease is almost up. You can live with me." I said in that tone that was our alone.

"Shizuru, listen I can't stay on the phone this long to discuss that right now...i've got to go." Natsuki said in blunt voice and the line went dead.

Panic strung its way into me. I knew, my heart even knew, that something was wrong. The panic wouldn't settle as I stayed awake waiting for my Natsuki. By the time Natsuki got home the sleep deprivation had already set in on my face. The times I had stayed awake for her before she would instantly bicker at me scoop me up and throw me to the bed and join me. This time was so different. This time my heart felt it before my mind could reason it. Although the reason was not there. The reason was chaotic. Natsuki came in with a tired sigh herself walked passed me, seeing me, and just walked into the room. I had assumed she was just going to disrobed and head to bed but instead I heard the movement of bags. I was jarred as I walked into the room. She was packing.

"Natsuki...what's going on?" I said with worry and confusion. So much confusion as fought my emotions and my heart.

"Leaving..." Natsuki said easily.

"Why?" I choked. "Did I do something wrong? Natsuki, I love you. We've never fought. What's happened?"

"Life." Natsuki said easily before pushing by and leaving forever.

Flashback end-

I have not loved since then. I try, but fail each time. A great incredible love is something I need to overcome you, my icy goddess. The sight of your still face trapped in pictures on my wall break me with their shattered glass. So a great love I've sought out and found. Though my love is touch and go for the fear in my heart is so great it has destroyed any resolve I have. And the constant reminders of what "pure love" is and become when shattered haunt me in my world. Lovers splitting and pain is there. So the desire to see you, hear you, anything...I have to know, but my heart can't.

The words I said the last night I cried over you. _Please don't leave me. I love you, can't you see my hurt. What have I done? Have you fallen out of love with me _

Questions forever that will remain unanswered. Without a word you broke what you saved.


	8. Idle Blabber

A/N: Well this random venting I attempted to form into a story...so i thought I'd share it and deposit this venting episode into this story bundle. I have another one I'll be adding into here as well. If anyone like these...let me know.

Idle blabber

_So much for idle blabber. I can't begin to tell you the torturous sessions I'll endure while sitting in a place I'm completely welcomed in. Hmph, yeah welcomed my ass; there is a tension. Perhaps that is the defensive nature I put off without noticing. I have to say...think rather more that each time I find myself in the presence of this "couple" I'm flung into a fluster. I just keep wondering if what "they" say is true. I don't want it to be, but there is the possibility the truth is in their words. It took an observation from a close friend who I hadn't seen in year to confirm all my fears._

The brunette sat in her living room grimacing at nothing and reached out for her whiskey glass sipping the toxic substance down. Her life was nowhere like a mess. Everything should have been in order outside for her terminal singleness. She found herself feeling older and older every day as if it was to tell to "get up and leave" from all that surrounded her. The brunette's phone began to trill ever so slightly and made more shrills and screams. The whiskey glass responded for the brunette by the shifting ice cubes. She glared at the phone. The name flashed off the screen along with the picture. She sighed after she swallowed the strong liquor. The phone beeped letting her know there was a message waiting. And it went back to its normal screen. There were at least five missed calls, ten texts, and three voicemails. Her chest heaved just a little more.

Life as current for the brunette on the ever personal level was so complicated that the air around her was thick. People would clear the way for her, and at drunk parties she was the spectacle that people watched out for because they didn't trust her stability. They had the right to be angry with her. The way she got when drunk in the company of particular individual while at a party became evident. The raw sexual tension from her alone was unbearable and perhaps alluring to those desperate enough to attempt anything with her. She was a sensitive soul and deep feeling. She was either in control of her emotions or they were in control of her. Her lust was a different story all together; something she had to control because unchecked it was destructive. The brunette often would attempt to leave her mind alone. Her thoughts were too much; just too much.

The brunette sighed again as her phone shrilled a unique ring tone. Her hand tightened around the glass and she just set it down.

_Blah blah blah, you should stop doing this. I've heard enough. I'm not dead. I'm so alive its painful. God damn it._

flashback -

The way the younger girl's hands pushed against the brunette's shoulders should have been a message enough to what the younger girl wanted. The next queue had to have been the way she mounted the brunette after pushing her down against the bed. The fluid movement of her hips brushing, grinding, against the brunette's. The rush for brunette was too much as an exasperate moan escaped from the younger girl's mouth. The girl grabbed the brunette's face as she continued with her torture to the brunette's body. The young girl's lips scorched the along the brunette's neck and quench her lust as they met in a hungry kiss. The girl's lips wen to the brunette's ear and she whispered hotly two words that the brunette just couldn't bare.

End flashback -

Shizuru Fujino had finish her whiskey a while back as a hand patted her face. The red eyes opened to see her blonde haired friend Haruka. The woman had a key to her place, and walked in while Shizuru lay unconscious on her couch. Shizuru brushed her long hair back and rubbed her face. She had a hang over and it was only five in the afternoon. Haruka looked at the glass on the table and looked at the ash tray.

"You need to write it out." Haruka said handing Shizuru a notebook out of thin air.

"I don't want to." Shizuru said in rough tired voice. Haruka shoved the notebook against Shizuru's chest and the brunette violently grabbed it. "Bitch."

"Yes, at least I can get you out of a depressed suicidal mood." Haruka said spitefully. "It has to be done. If you could only see what you look like right now. It's all..."

"Shut up! I don't...I don't want to hear it. I know what I look like. Not good enough for her. Not good enough for anything. Dead beat dumb bitch." Shizuru almost shouted but got quiet at the end.

The brunette sighed one last time and set out to write a listen of pro's and con's in her smoke filled apartment. Shizuru Fujino glared at the paper and her friend who sat there calmly. Haruka made her read her list and the weighted choices pointed to an answer she did not want to hear. The list spoke the negative tone. The tone to stay away from Natsuki Kuga. Haruka just shook her head at Shizuru and the red eyed woman threw the notebook across the room.

"You should at least answer some of those phonecalls." Haruka said never moving her eyes from Shizuru. The brunette still standing looked at her phone and looked at her bottle of whiskey. Haruka quickly stood as they both darted at the bottle. Haruka got to the bottle first and Shizuru stumbled out of the way holding her hands up. "Hopeless...that is what you are becoming. Hopeless and pathetic."


End file.
